It was impressive to see him push through the discomfort. His shoulders were undoubtedly burning with lactic acid. He kept lifting. Rep after rep. Doing dumbbell presses beside him amplified my internal voice, “I just want to stop.” Being a motivational keynote speaker doesn’t mean you are only concerned about supporting others for an hour at a convention. Between sets, I mentioned how impressive his drive was. He said the exact same phrase, “I just want to stop.”

You likely know about the Japanese word coined in 1986, Kaizen. It means “continuous improvement” and is generally used in business settings. Toyota and Canon facilitate and process 60 to 70 suggestions per employee per year. In the spirit of kaizen, improvement isn’t a new year’s resolution or an annual planning meeting outcome. It is multiple times per day. Yet, what about the uncomfortable nature of improvement? Instinct has us each think, “I just want to stop.”

Germaine was born in Jamaica. He came to the US with his family and is now married to a dietician. He has no athletic agenda. He isn’t preparing for any thing in particular. He just wants to improve his health. His motivation to show up at the gym was strong enough to get past that feeling of quitting, avoiding or procrastinating. Moreover, before he showed up, a little voice may have been trying to talk him out of experiencing imminent pain. Germaine is just like you and me. We want to stay away from pain. But some of us meet the discomfort straight on. Some avoid it at all costs.

How then, can us mere mortals, summon the willpower to supersede the “I just want to stop” reflex?

1. Simple Motion – There can be all sorts of excuses. It’s snowing outside. My stomach hurts. The remote control is lonely. Getting past the all the hurdles between you and a completed workout or task can be intimidating. But simple motions are not. Throw the covers off. Brush your teeth. Find your exercise gear. Pick up your car keys. Get in the car. Drive. Just focus and act on the next obvious step.

2. The Prize – Keeping your attention on the outcome/prize takes your attention off the little voice of doubt.

3. Bigger Pain – Attach a bigger pain to not working out or task. What are the consequences? What would it feel like to identify with the saying, “I skipped my workout today. That makes it 12 months in a row now.”

It is ironic. This picture is taken over looking a beach in the Bahamas the day before delivering a motivational keynote speech. Where do I want to be? Reading a book with my toes luxuriating in the sand. But, this eBrief needs to get done (for you) before I workout (for a healthy future) which is a hurdle to get past before those toes wiggle in paradise (the prize). But there's that voice again...

I just want to stop.

This is for the guys who need it:

Boy or a Man

A boy wants to play hard. A man works hard so he can play.

A boy hides from responsibility. A man seeks it.

A boy avoids pain. A man deals with it.

A boy jumps in puddles. A man makes the puddles go away.

A boy reaches for the flame. A man starts a fire and keeps it burning.

A boy doesn’t like to get his feelings hurt. A man embraces feelings head on.

A boy worries about himself. A man worries about taking care of others.

Without earning it... a boy wants to be a man. A man earns the right to be with the boys.

A boy likes girls. A man respects women.

A boy is weak. A man is strong.

Are you a boy or a man?

It was an innocent road trip. Four acquaintances, fans of Jack Johnson, hopped into Chester’s SUV for a three-day escape from San Francisco to Napa Valley. By the end of the experience, three friends knew they’d never travel with Chester again. It was a shame. Adorable Chester, burdened by an idiosyncrasy, alienated three potential friends.

Everyone wants to feel special. Some tattoo or pierce themselves. Others are motivated by hairstyles, moustaches, building muscles or following hobbies. Feeling unique and authentic are passionate pursuits. Yet, allow one genuine, but annoying idiosyncratic behavior encroach on someone else’s homeostasis and alienation sets in.

Chester’s idiosyncrasy? Mysaphobia (aka germophobia). Indeed, germs are no one’s friend. Yet, Chester made it an unavoidable anxiety, as if he were swinging a gladiator’s spiked ball at the end of a chain. The group couldn’t go anywhere without feeling they were stepping on his Purelled toes. A bag of chips had to be poured into individual plates because of what he described as, “feces covered hands.” Breaking bread as a group was a version of Cirque de Soleil. His SUV was guarded like the inside of a Hazmat suit.

Chester, 45, is handsome, friendly, kind, generous, fun and adventurous. Yet, he is frustrated much of the time. He is single and struggling in life. Like the rest of us, he will find his way. But his journey will be burdensome if he continues to alienate others.

Being special is important. Having idiosyncrasy’s is normal. Where, pray tell, is the line between acceptable and repulsive?

Let’s say you have an idiosyncrasy such as being blunt. You don’t intend to be cruel. You don’t mean to offend. But you can leave a swath of hurt feelings every time you open your pie hole.

Or, your idiosyncrasy is being an introvert. This perfectly acceptable trait doesn’t mean you’re ignoring someone. But the message being interpreted is arrogance or distrust. Extroverts can be the victim of the diametric interpretations of insecurity or self-centeredness.

The answer lies in blending before bleeding. One of the life skills gained from learning aikido, or most other martial arts, is the art of blending with an oncoming force. Instead of striking or blocking an opponent, blending with the force will avoid any injury. If the oncoming force is insignificant, then there is no harm. If the oncoming force appears overwhelming, then blending is the key.

If you’re a passionate extrovert or patient introvert then allow people to know what you’re all about. Communicate your intent with others first. If you’re blunt, then preface your intent before your gums start flapping. Whatever your idiosyncrasy, blend with communication not defensiveness or counter attacks.

In Chester’s case, he never attempted to temper his idiosyncrasy by blending his needs. For example, comfortably admitting he was “something of a germophobe but never wanting the idiosyncrasy to impinge on the road trip” would have done wonders. He could have brought his own little bag of chips. Used hand sanitizer without a fuss.

Blend before bleeding.

Alex climbed in the car. Smiling. (She always smiles - unless something weighs on her.) Within seventy seconds, she dropped the pensive dumbell she had picked up. "Dad, you're 53 years old... what's the point?" Hmmmmm. The point? That 'point' may be foreign to Goal Chauvinists.  

Alex's car was in the shop. Being picked up from school, she innocently reveled in the chauffer treatment. "Hi Dad." "Hey beautiful." She trumped the conversation with a typical parent's question, "How was your daaaay?"

"Fun actually. Every Wednesday is a 'Free' day. I do something outside of work. I had a one-on-one coaching session with a former National Hockey League player. I learned a lot cool stuff."

Silence. Pause. Restrained sigh.

"Um, Dad? Now I don't want to hurt your feelings but... well... Dad, you're 53 years old. It's not like you're going anywhere with hockey. I mean, what's the point? Do you think the Dallas Stars are looking for an old guy to add middle-age speed and baby-boomer finesse to their team?" 

It must seem odd from the outside looking in. Why indeed?

We each have goals. You likely have a place you want to arrive in your life. A house. A car. A paycheck. A record deal. A contract. A promotion. A milestone of some kind. 

Moreover, goals land somewhere in the future. Goal achievers have clarity on the path towards a dream. They are aspirational. They exude intention and determination. 

Driving towards a specific and measurable goal is mission-critical for any high achiever. Right?

No.

Alex may be a dreaded... "Goal Chauvinist."

Goal Chauvinists buy into the popular notion; proper goals must be clear, measurable, time specific and realistic. 

Quality goals don't have to be tangible. At times, they don't need to be anything other than a state of mind.

This perspective came into view when Jim Shaw, Sr. spoke to his growing staff in late 80's. The staff Christmas party was overflowing with 300 plus employees. He approached the microphone and said with true humbleness, "I never imagined we would be this big. I just thought we were doing the right thing for Canadians."

Today, Shaw Communications is a corporate entity in the hundreds of millions of dollars. Lead by a founder who admitted to not having what a 'Goal Chauvinist' might expect. Instead, he celebrated what many high achievers thrive on, an energetic state. A powerful state of mind. In other words, he did what gives him energy. Values like: new business opportunities, connecting people, building a significant brand, ambition, entrepreneurial adventure.

Taking hockey lessons at 53 is fascinating when you've played since you're five years old. Learning new techniques, being able to contribute a higher skill level for our beer-league team, replacing inefficiency with practical know how. Energetically, it is a huge BUZZ to be on a growth curve. Especially at, not despite being, 53 years old.

Start with what gives you energy. Apply your values and tactics but keep doing what gives you energy. THAT is the point!  

You could hear the frustration oozing from the phone. For seven years he has been trying to solo-climb out of his financial situation. "You've been there," he said deflated, "What do you do?"

"Three things: Be happy now. Add value. Be grateful."

You can't control your environment. You can control what you bring to your environment.

1. Be Happy Now - Of all the things that each of us needs reminding about - Being present or in the moment, is  the most important. The past can weigh around your neck and wrists like wood stocks of old. The imaginary impact the future can have is equivalent to those dreams that seem so real, while you, in fact, lay safely in bed. If now is all you have then, why not be happy now? Also, you may notice that people are drawn to people having fun. 
2. Add Value - Woody Allen once said that '99 percent of life is showing up.' Cute but irrelevant today. Not even close! (Unless you add the words, "with value.") What value can you bring to people today? What talents do you have that give you energy. Using those talents to add value raises your energy level. And people are attracted to energy. '99 percent of life is showing up with value.'
3. Be Grateful - Gratitude is a calming force. No two things can occupy the same space at the same time. If you are in the state of gratitude, your brain has no room for the state of FREAKING OUT. Gratitude is also the great equalizer. When you are thankful your energy rises. Those who are grateful have an enlightened appeal. Gratitude is a natural magnet for other positive people.

Can you see the common thread on the path to getting out of a rut?

When you're happily adding value in a state of gratitude you attract like minded people. That is true wealth. Rich in spirit, friendships and opportunity set the stage for financial wealth too. 

When you're 'rich' in all manners of the word, does it get any better than that? "The rich get richer," yet moments ago you may have been frustrated and alone. How perfect is that?